I’ll break them down one by one, with the exception of Pete’s Dragon, as that I just have no interest in seeing. But I will talk about Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, and the Jungle Book because boy, do I have some shit to say about them.
Cinderella
Upfront, I will say, I am not the biggest fan of the original. Not that It’s bad, it’s just not super interesting. I like the villain though, so that’s a plus. But the remake, man, was this movie was dull. I felt like I was watching a Hallmark/Disney crossover. This movie was just so sugary sweet and just so, and I know this contradicts the point of the film, CHILDISH. “Be Kind, Have Courage” is not a bad message, but when it is said as much as Harrison Ford says “My wife!” in “The Fugitive”, I want to beat my brain with a stick. The main character is bland as hell. She does nothing interesting, she says nothing interesting, and she interacts with nothing in a new or inventive way. She is also dumb as a brick. When she is essentially sentenced to death by being locked in her room, all she does is twirl around. Here’s an idea: TRY TO FUCKING ESCAPE! The villain was more of a cartoon than the original cartoon, the side characters besides the Prince and the King are equally as dull, and overall it’s just not that interesting. However, I can’t call the film terrible. It’s more just a nothing movie that just leaves zero impression.
The Jungle Book
Now the original to this movie I actually quite enjoy. The characters are fun, the villain intriguing, the environment interesting, the songs memorable, it’s a fun time. It’s not a top 10 Disney movie of mine, but it’s definitely enjoyable. This movie, however, was hailed as incredible, the new definitive version. However, I disagree. I can’t say I hate the movie, but I can’t say I love it either. The positives are the characters are somewhat interesting with good voice actors and the CGI is pretty impressive too. However, that’s kind of where the good stuff ends for me. Shere Kahn is a bore in this one with a somewhat confusing motivation, Kaa is wasted, most of the scenes meander, the plot is unfocused, and it mainly just seems like it’s on repeat. However, as I said, there is some good stuff, and if you can turn your brain off to some of the stupid scenes, there is some decent stuff to check out.
Beauty and the Beast
This is why I wrote this answer. I legitimately love the original movie and is absolutely a top 5 Disney movie of mine. I can’t do it justice with a short review, if you haven’t checked it out, it’s fantastic. This movie is fucking AWFUL. I hate this movie with a legit passion. You could not have miscast this movie any worse. Emma Watson? Dull as rocks and can’t sing worth a damn. Dan Stevens as the Beast? Stupid, overly hotheaded and doesn’t realize when he’s made a mistake, and his relationship with Watson could be described as two pieces of bread sitting next to each other. Ian Mckellan Ewan McGregor are both fantastic actors, but not make Cogsworth and Lumiere work. The only good choice I think was Josh Gad as LeFou. He was charismatic, funny, and had a decent persona. The plot? If the Jungle Book was a repeat, this was the same fucking storyboards. Not a damn thing was changed, and the small things they do change are bad. The effects? Garbage. The CGI somehow regressed from the Jungle Book which, while impressive, wasn’t that fantastic. There are so few things good with this movie that I legit won’t bother to mention them. Except for maybe Luke Evans as Gaston, who, while not great, does play a SERVICEABLE Gaston. Other than that, this movie’s trash. Just…don’t see it.
And there’s my rant. Hope you guys enjoyed my analysis.
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